The Quiet Kelly

Recently I read two books about hiking. The first book was about hiking the Pacific Crest Trail.The most recent, completed yesterday, was Bill Bryson's, A Walk in the Woods about hiking the Appalachian Trail. These were bookends of a sort, books about wilderness on opposite sides of our country. And in between those two books I read Wilderness Time by Emilie Griffin. Wilderness Time is not a book about hiking, it is about a different kind of Wilderness experience. This from the back cover of the book: "Time in 'the wilderness'-solitary meditation on simplicity, prayer, and other key disciplines of faith- is directly in keeping with Jesus' example of going apart to pray."

Each of the hiking books included that element of going away in order find something, and while each hiker found something to me they missed the big picture. They explored in minute detail every inch of the rugged, sometimes almost impassable trails they hiked without ever meeting the Creator of those trails.

In our every day lives we too often fail to meet the Creator. Wilderness Time is about making a space in your life that allows you to hear God without the competing noise of technology, busyness and day to day responsibilities.

Griffin points us to Jesus as our example for drawing away to be with God. In Mark 1:35-37: In the morning, while it was still very dark, he got up and went out to a deserted place, and there he prayed." In Mark 6:45-46: Immediately he made his disciples get into the boat and go on ahead to the other side, to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. After saying farewell to them, he went up onto the mountain to pray."  This occurred after He had fed the 5000.

Again in Luke 5:15-16: "But now more than ever the word about Jesus spread abroad; many crowds would gather to hear him and be cured of their diseases. But he would withdraw to deserted places and pray".

Some may wonder why a specific time away is needed or if there must be a specific reason for the retreat. Griffin responds: "In fact, no more reason is needed that that your heart longs for greater closeness with God- because you are worn out by many annoyances and worries, and you are seeking the refreshment of God's presence; because you need rest from the anxieties of ordinary living, even from the legitimate responsibilities imposed by family, work, and church; because you want to follow the example of Jesus in going apart to pray."

I could so easily relate to Griffin's revelation that "certain ingrained attitudes affect us inwardly. Such negative patterns of thought and feeling may defeat us again and again". While the world, or maybe it's better to say THE WORLD often gets me down what most discourages me are the perpetual habits and personality disasters that plague my life despite my best efforts to change them. Griffin says: "We need to invite the power of God to transform us and release us from unhealthy, limiting habits...Going on retreat is really a kind of self-gift, showing the willingness to be healed and transformed. This attitude of desire for the life of God for greater depth of understanding and abundance of heart, is pivotal to the healing of personality."

Griffin discusses several disciplines that help us connect with God on retreat: prayer, fasting, meditation, and study. One thing to note is that fasting does not have be about food. "Fasting from people, from excessive talk and jabber, from an overload of local and world news, from addictive telephone calls: all these are forms of fasting that can heal and restore our souls", writes Griffin.

Though there is discipline involved in retreat there is also serendipity and surrender. "While we ourselves may enter the retreat preoccupied with a given subject, The Lord may use the retreat to  lead us in another direction. We should be open to these promptings, remembering that we are not in charge of the retreat. Everything is in god's hands." Also, there should be no pressure to perform or achieve on the retreat: "Expectations should be neither low nor high, but instead, the work of the retreat should be left in God's hands." As in all of life, God is in control.

One favorite observation by Griffin concerns the definition of solitude: "Solitude is, after all, not a condition of being by youreself but a discipline of attentiveness to God."

I deliberately chose this book to read between the two hiking adventure books. Shortly Dean and I will embark on our own spiritual retreat. Coincidentally, if there is such a thing, I learned on Sunday that my pastor is taking a four week sabbatical that will include a Mount Fuji adventure. I think the extended time away and the experience and challenge of exploring Mt. Fuji will provide the perfect conditions for attentiveness to God. Our modest retreat will include 4 days at a quiet house and daily running on a new-to-us trail. I will take Griffin's book and her advice to keep my expectations neutral and to allow God to speak to us as He will, to say what He will and to lead where He will. Griffin says: "Fed by the sunlight of God's love, the soul works unselfconsciously toward wholeness. Spirit and soul, we flower in the light of God."  I want to flower.

 

Quiet Sound and High-reactive Fury

For someone whose blog is titled "Sound and Fury" (or as Bailey calls it "Unsound and Furry") it may seem odd that I would read and embrace the book, "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking". We all fall somewhere on a spectrum of personality traits. I probably fall on the Extrovert end of the spectrum. Yet I am an often unhappy and irritable extrovert. This book helped me understand my dissatisfaction with the extrovert life. On the personality tests and surveys, one of the key questions for establishing a person as an extrovert is that they are energized by being around people. Well I am absolutely energized by people and I am a big talker. The problem for me is that with too many people comes too much energy and too much talking. I prefer to think about what I am going to say before I say it but when I am around a large group of people I get caught up in the conversation and energy of the group and there is no way to know what I will say. In earlier years I would be disturbed by my chameleon-like qualities. I would hear myself saying things that I don't think I even meant. Not completely contradictory but more flip or off the cuff than I felt. It's like I get too wound up and then just blurt things out in an exaggerated way that later leaves me uncomfortable. I go home knowing I did not present my authentic self.  I also go home analyzing all snippets of conversation, remembering facial expression and "looks"  given by other people. I think this may be related to what Susan Cain refers to in her book as "highly reactive" personality or the sensitive personality.

Cain begins her book by showing us the historical change in our country from one that valued character to one that values personality. One example: "A popular 1899 manual called Character: The Grandest Thing in the World featured a timid shop girl who gave away her meager earnings to a freezing beggar, then rushed off before anyone could see what she'd done. Her virtue, the reader understood, derived not only from her generosity but also from her wish to remain anonymous...But by 1920, popular self-help guides had changed their focus from inner virtue to outer charm - "to know what to say and how to say it" as one manual put it."To create a personality is power", advised another".

She then points out the many repercussions of this shift in perspective. Cain says "We live with a value system that I call the Extrovert Ideal - the omnipresent belief that the ideal self is gregarious, alpha, and comfortable in the spotlight...We like to think that we value individuality... but all too often we admire one type of individual-the kind whose comfortable 'putting himself out there'".

In the book, the analogy is made that "Introverts living under the Extrovert Ideal are like women in a man's world, discounted because of a trait that goes to the core of who they are".

Cain discusses how our society's elevation of extrovert characteristics have shaped corporate structure, workplace environments, school curriculum and even church activities and programs. Cain believes it is a mistake to set up work, school and worship environments in such a way as to appeal to one type of personality while virtually alienating another (and in some cases more valuable) personality type. Cain points out that "without introverts the world would be devoid of the theory of gravity, the theory of relativity, Chopin's nocturnes, Proust's In Search of Lost Time, Orwell's 1984 and Animal Farm, The Cat in the Hat, Charlie Brown, Schindler's List, E.T., Google and Harry Potter."

Cain makes a distinction between shyness and introversion: "Shyness is the fear of social disapproval or humiliation, while introversion is a preference for environments that are not overstimulating." Later in the book she says," Many introverts are also "highly sensitive", which sounds poetic, but is actually a technical term in psychology. If you are a sensitive sort, they you're more apt than the average person to feel pleasantly overwhelmed by Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata" or a well-turned phrase or an act of extraordinary kindness. You may be quicker than others to feel sickened by violence and ugliness, and you likely have a very strong conscience." These are the parts of the book that sound like me. I discussed in a previous post that I nearly cried when I saw "The King's Speech" because it was so well acted and so well written.

"Quiet' contains a great deal of intriguing research on the subject of introversion. Particularly interesting are the studies that yield counterintuitive results. A management theorist, Jim Collins, began a research project to find out what characteristics made a company outperform its competition. He selected eleven successful companies to research in depth. Every single one of the companies was led by an unassuming man, "Those who worked with these leaders tended to describe them with the following words: quiet, humble,  modest, reserved, shy, gracious, mild-mannered, self-effacing, understated".

In addition to the results of many interesting research projects Cain discusses many famous examples of quiet types who achieved extraordinary things from Moses to Rosa Parks. In the interesting section on evangelical churches and personality Cain describes the tension between church and introversion. She quotes author and evangelical pastor, Adam McHugh: "The emphasis is on community, on participating in more and more programs and events, on meeting more and more people. It's a constant tension for many introverts that they're not living that out. And in a religious world, there's more at stake when you feel that tension. It doesn't feel like"I'm not doing as well as I'd like.' It feels like"God isn't pleased with me'". McHugh has written a book, Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture, that I have added to my to-read list (one thing leads to another).

When I posted on FB that I had read and recommended Quiet, one friend commented that she had been called "selfish" by someone at her church because of her personality. In the reviews on Amazon of Introverts in the Church, one reviewer stated:   "More than 10 years ago a good friend and fellow missionary scolded me for being a "recluse", for being "selfish with my time" and "too inside" my head.... I discovered the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) which helped me understand my own temperament. Not only did it affirm those things which were not flaws, but God-created characteristics, it helped me develop those traits in healthy ways." Cain points out the all too common problem in some churches,  "It's not enough to forge your own spiritual connection to the divine; it must be displayed publicly. Is it any wonder that introverts like Pastor McHugh start to question their own hearts?"

On a personal note I try to balance time with people verses time alone. I love to listen to people tell their stories. I love to talk! I absolutely love to connect with people over deep thoughts and ideas or profound experiences.  On the other hand I get overwhelmed by too much activity and too many people and I like to spend time alone. I like to think I can be delightful with people but if the balance between people time and alone time gets out of whack then I become more socially awkward and ridiculous and I feel less authentic.

I also like to think I am creative, on this Cain observes: "One of the most interesting findings, echoed by later studies, was that the more creative people tended to be socially poised introverts. They were interpersonally skilled but 'not of an especially sociable or participative temperament".

There is so much more in this book; from research that disproves the effectiveness of brainstorming (thank goodness) to studies that show performance gets worse as group size increases. One study made me laugh. Bailey has taken several personality and vocational tests over the years in preparation to go to college. She is currently a successful Computer Science and Engineering major at Mizzou. I will mention that she is intelligent (and is currently on the Dean's list) so that you understand why we were astonished with the results of one of her personality oriented vocational tests. The test revealed that she was best suited to the vocation of bus driver! The study mentioned in Cain's book (the one that made me laugh) stated: "high reactives become writers or pick other intellectual vocations where "you're in charge: you close the door, pull down the shades and do your work...(those from less educated backgrounds tend to become file clerks and truck drivers"). Apparently it was a personality trait that drove the bus driver result...what a relief!

That is what is wonderful about Quiet, I saw myself in it as a sensitive, high-reactive, I saw my children in it, I saw friends in it and in every instance our various non-extroverted qualities were portrayed as assets to be highly valued. Cain acknowledges the need for both extroverts and introverts and that each has something wonderful and diverse to offer to society, very much like the body of Christ. We are all of one body, but there are many parts to the body, with different roles to play.