Unbound!

There could be some boundary issues here!

Sometimes I feel like books search me out and find me other times books are recommended to me. When a book is recommended to me several times by different people I feel compelled to read it. Boundaries has been such a book. The actual title is Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, to Take Control of your Life, it is written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

I first heard of it several years ago when a friend read it as part of a class at church. It has come up over the years and most recently, Denise (one of the Awesome Bible Study Ladies) asked if I would like to borrow it from her. 

I have always felt like I had a few boundary issues but not the kind that would severely impact my life. Still it seemed like it might be time to read the book. I’m glad I did. It seems that boundary issues go both ways. I’ve always thought I had boundary issues when I cannot say “no” to someone. That is a boundary issue but it seems I also have a different kind of boundary issue when I try to impose my will on someone else (this could be relevant to the minions, uh, family members that I have mentioned before). So there were things for me to learn from this book from many different sides.

Boundaries does a good job of identifying the boundary issue, giving real life examples of how that issue can negatively affect a person and then gives a biblical and psychologically sound solution. Scripture is interwoven in the information to both inform and encourage.

I recently taught the parable of the talents to the third graders so I found the following paragraphs on passivity very interesting:

“Consider the contrast in the parable of the talents. The ones who succeeded were active and assertive. They initiated and pushed. The one who lost out was passive and inactive.

The sad thing is that many people who are passive are not inherently evil or bad people. But evil is an active force, and passivity can become an ally of evil by not pushing against it. Passivity never pays off. God will match our effort, but He will never do our work for us. That would be an invasion of our boundaries. He wants us to be assertive and active, seeking and knocking on the door of life.”

Another interesting section illuminated one of those feelings I often struggle with – a sense of obligation. I can say no to people with whom I feel no obligation but sometimes I feel bound by the past in situations. The following paragraph had something interesting to say about feelings of obligation:

The idea is that because we have received something, we owe something. The problem is the nonexistent debt. The love we receive, or money, or time – or anything which causes us to feel obligated –should be accepted as a gift.

Gift implies no strings attached. All that’s really needed is gratitude. The giver has no second thought that the present will provide a return. It was simply provided because someone loved someone and wanted to do something for him or her. Period.

That is how God views his gift of salvation to us. It cost him his Son. It was motivated out of love for us. And our response is to receive it, and to be grateful. Why is gratitude so important? Because God knows that our gratitude for what he has done for us will move us to love others: “as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.” (Col.2:7).

What do we owe those who are kind to us, who have genuinely cared for us? We owe them thanks. And from our grateful heart, we should go out and help others.

There is a very interesting chapter on Boundaries and God. I had not previously thought about how “boundaries” relate to my relationship with God: 

“God respects our boundaries in many ways. First, he leaves work for us to do that only we can do. And he allows us to experience the painful consequences of our behavior so that we will change. He is not willing for any of us to perish and takes no pleasure in our destruction (2 Peter 3;9), but he wants us to change for our own good and his glory. “

The book includes one of the best descriptions of forgiveness and reconciliation and how they work biblically that I have ever read:

 “God forgave the world, but the whole world is not reconciled to him. Although he may have forgiven all people, all people have not owned their sin and appropriated his forgiveness. That would be reconciliation. Forgiveness takes one; reconciliation takes two.”

It goes on to say: “So many times Scripture talks about keeping boundaries with someone until she owns what she has done and produces “fruit in keeping with repentance” (Matt. 3:8) True repentance is so much more than saying “I’m sorry”; it is changing direction...Reconciliation involves two. Do not think that because you have forgiven that you have to reconcile. You can offer reconciliation, but it must be contingent upon the other person owning her behavior and bringing forth trustworthy fruits.”

The book used “she” in the previous text but the person I forgave but did not truly reconcile with was a “he”. Reading the above words was helpful to me.

 

There is so much more in the book. Boundaries and Your Family, Boundaries and Your Friends, Boundaries and Your Spouse, Boundaries and Your Children, Boundaries and Work, etc. are various chapters included in the book.

I saw myself in this book as someone who has often felt guilty when I said “no” and I saw myself as someone who has at times made unrealistic demands on others. I have been on both sides of the boundary. This was helpful and motivating, it confirmed my actions where they needed to be confirmed and it challenged me in the areas where I need to be challenged. Thank you, Denise, for loaning me the book, I may need to get my own copy for reference!